It snapped me awake like the crack of a branch in the face: I hadn’t thought about IT for a very long time.
IT was my once-upon-a-time-life.
The life that was like a nightmare, a whirling madness of anxiety and despair. In this story, I was constantly Unsettled. Desperate. Hurt.
Why is it that what pains us the most is what we choose to dwell on the most, again and again, like a dog returning to its vomit? I’d thought about IT every day, several times a day–for years. I couldn’t let it go. And then somehow . . . I stopped.
The power of IT had been weakened. I’d grown beyond it’s reach. Imperceptibly, I’d left it behind like a rain cloud dumps its heavy cargo. I felt I could lift off into the sky and float away on a breeze.
How had it happened? I had been chained to this pattern for so long, it seemed a part of me. Of course, it was a part of me I didn’t like, didn’t want–hated, actually. But it was me, nonetheless. Or was it? I didn’t realize how much it wasn’t, until it was gone; then I saw the me that God had known all along: the Me that He had been guiding and forming, nurturing and transforming–the malleable creature inside.
I am not a slave of my failures–I am a possibility in the hands of an Artist. I am not confined or defined by my past; the past cannot move, but I can.
IT controlled me for the longest time–and then it didn’t. I felt Heaven’s warmth embrace my heart and I knew: Jesus wants me and He loves me. I had known it intellectually, but I hadn’t really believed it. It was a new feeling, kind of like a gentle squeeze around my heart, an affectionate hug. It said, “I am looking forward to your seeing Me face-to-face one day very soon! I’m so excited for that day, I can hardly wait. I love you so much! I made you because it pleased me to do so. I’m so proud of who you are–who I created You to be! You’re not yet everything I mean for you to become; just wait and see all that I have planned for you. Your deep heart and your passions and your tenderness: they bring delight to My heart. I love you so much, you can’t even begin to understand the depth of it.”
Jesus is Life that flows through dried-up streambeds and Love that holds pieces shattered, together.
It is through Him that the IT of my life laid down and died and gave place to JOY and true PURPOSE.