Our “Acceptable” Abuse of a Woman’s Needs

desert

I don’t know about you, but I’ve read over and over how important it is for a Christian woman to give her husband all the sex he needs so he won’t feel deprived and become interested in other women. We’re told to understand his natural need for intimacy, and to minister to his bodily needs just as we minister to his other needs. I agree with that, but I think it’s hugely one sided.

What I mean to say is, where is all the literature emphasizing the need for Christian men to give their wives all the sex they need, whenever they need it? But strangely, we’re supposed to accept that a woman’s need for sex is not that powerful or important. So, many Christians celebrate Natural Family Planning (NFP) as a shining “alternative” to birth control, while totally disregarding the fact that for it to work, a woman has to basically be denied her need for sex when she most craves it. We are completely lop-sided in the way we over-emphasize the man’s need, and under-emphasize the woman’s.

You hear warnings like this: “Give your man a little bit of pleasure every day, or he might become tempted by his secretary at work; to ignore his sexual needs is stupid.” What about the woman? We can ignore her needs, and it’s not? Stupid? Because she would never struggle with temptation because her needs aren’t being fulfilled, right?

Here’s a personal example. When my husband and I started to use NFP, it was my idea. I thought it was the answer to taking control of our fertility. No pills nor anything else; just careful timing. Wonderful! It worked just as we had hoped for quite some time. As long as I was careful to chart my temperatures and keep track of mucous quality, it was a snap. But in all that bright, shining success, a shadow darkened my path unsuspectedly.

I wasn’t happy. I was only “allowed” to come together with my husband when I had no desire for it, kind of like cramming a donut down your throat when you’re not the least bit hungry. And then, when I really, really had the desire for intimacy, we couldn’t. According to the rules of NFP, the answer was No: my temperatures and mucous quality were too fertile (ironic, isn’t it, that to be healthy and fertile would ever be considered a “bad” thing). But, I was supposed to be self-controlled. Now, my husband had to be self-controlled, too. But, there was a difference: he could at least be intimate for part of my cycle at times when he wanted to; I, could never. To not ever be able to have what I craved when I craved it, and yet be so close to that manly body all the time was, well, maddening. Frustrating. It made me want to scream.

So, I just want to put this out there: within marriage, don’t the needs of the wife count, too? God made our bodies to need sex with our husbands. It isn’t just the men who need it. With so much focus on “giving due benevolence,” you would think that a woman would get her due, too. But with NFP, she doesn’t. So, let’s stop touting it as a wonder-method; it isn’t. It isn’t biblical for two reasons:

1)It is still yet another way of rejecting children, which the Bible says are blessings, not burdens (Psalm 127:3),

and

2)It deprives the wife of sex when she needs it. It is an abuse of her physical needs.

And they wonder why she’s so cranky? It may be because she lives in a state of constant sexual frustration.

This state of frustration was never God’s plan for a happy marriage. In fact, God designed the woman’s monthly cycle so that when she is the most fertile and just about ready to release an egg, she is the most desirous of intimacy; when she craves sex, it is because her body is preparing itself for conception. She has no control over this; it all has to do with her hormones. Why do you think God made it that way? Why did He make the woman not desire sex as strongly the rest of the time–why at the stage of greatest fertility? Because He wants the couple to conceive.

It is so perfectly coordinated, and so extremely obvious, but let me say it again: God made the woman want to have sex with her husband at just that time of her cycle when conception would be most likely! And He did it on purpose! So, if the husband denies her sex because they are using NFP, he is doing more than denying her feelings; he is denying what those feelings were designed to naturally lead to: a baby. He denies God’s design for life. That’s quite a slap in the face. It is my belief that God’s cheek burns constantly these days, as millions of couples rebel against Him.

The best cure is to get back to God’s intention for marriage: get married, have normal sex (meaning, without birth control), and have children. It’s so simple, you wonder why people make it complicated.

1 It is good for a man not to touch a woman. Nevertheless, because of sexual immorality, let each man have his own wife, and let each woman have her own husband. Let the husband render to his wife the affection due her, and likewise also the wife to her husband. The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does. Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

(1 Corinthians 7:1b-5)

(Notice there is absolutely NO mention of using birth control in this passage that tells husbands and wives to “come together.”)

The wife is to give her husband the affection due him; but interestingly, the wife is not the only one who has to submit, here: “the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” With so much emphasis in the Scriptures on a wife needing to submit to her husband, this might seem a little out of place. . . until you consider the reasons why God is telling the husband to HAVE SEX with his wife WHEN SHE WANTS IT (not just when he wants it, though that’s obviously important, too). First, it is in order for her sexual needs to be met so she will not be tempted by Satan–it is to keep her pure for her husband alone. Next, and something which is made clear throughout the rest of the Bible, it is so that they will have children–God’s stated desire for married couples!

I understand that there are sometimes health concerns, amongst other things. It is not my intention to address this issue from every possible angle; my aim is to show one aspect of Christian sex that I believe we have skewed, and which I think needs to be corrected. I can speak from experience; I wonder how many other wives struggle with the same issue? Thankfully, my husband and I took an honest look at birth control, and we stopped using NFP. Instead, we put our trust in God’s timing. Our times of intimacy got much better after that. Yes, it did result in more children. But, we believe that’s just the way God wanted it, and have not regretted our decision for one second. And no, it has not always been easy, raising and providing for all our children. Don’t think I’m some sort of sexual pervert who only cares about her wants getting met. No. I cherish each and every one of our children, and have worked hard to bring them into this world and to care for them once they’re here. I simply want to be a voice for those who are too shy to speak up for themselves. Maybe somebody will listen.

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20 thoughts on “Our “Acceptable” Abuse of a Woman’s Needs

  1. We tried this thing too and it was not liked by both of us.
    It was very frustrating we found, to not be able to be together for half of the cicle at least.
    I talked with others about NFP and it seems to be a common ‘problem’ for couples.
    NO fun at all :-). And yeah, where are the womens rights there?
    For us it soon resulted in a new baby,ha ha. Guess i was claiming my womens rights:-)…
    But Hanna is a great daughter! Wouldnt want to miss out on her for the world 🙂
    Again Jessica, thanks for your teaching . May it be blessed

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    • Thanks, Ruth! People who don’t support birth control will sometimes present NFP as a wonderful alternative. It is interesting to note how impractical it really is, however. I believe that God never intended for there to be any barrier (literally) between a husband and wife. We put the barriers there because of our fear and selfishness. As a result, we miss out on the intimacy He intended for us, and the children He wanted us to have, too.
      Jessica

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  2. Just want to remind you all, the globalist/new world order folk & United Nations agenda 21 calls for the destruction of the family & no more marriage for the common folk world wide! Go online & read the “homosexual manifesto” written by Michael Swift in February 1987 & this document is radical talking about a 100%queer/gay world! They are going to crash the economy & destroy money & wealth & use hunger/unemployment/chaos & violence to force folk into the FEMA camps! In the FEMA camps they plan to separate the men /women/children & use “homosexual rape” against the men & women & phedphilia against the children! Once the men & women are separated & both separated from their kids & babies, they plan to never put families back together again These evil folk behind this mean business in doing these things! One main reason for no more marriage & family is because they now have the science & technology to create humans in a lab & use “custom genetics” & have “genetically custom-made human beings”! The homosexual manefesto talks about this-FYI !!!!!In addition to breaking up the family & no more marriage(reading between the lines)they plan to shuffle folk to other areas & put them with strangers because it is also a plan to break up “friendships” as well as marriage & family! The destruction of marriage/family & friendships are ameans of population control ! BTW these same folk plan to eliminate “pets”, no more dogs/cats & other animals! Also change our diet to a neo-vegan diet, no more(meat/eggs/fish/dairy)with insects as the only “sustainable” animal protein & all eating in communal dining halls with the state controlling all food & no more private food! I can talk more on this but for now I leave you with this!!!!!!

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      • Jessica it is part of something called United Nations agenda 21! They put this thing together between 1987-92 & in 1992, 179 nations signed on to this thing! Agenda 21 in a nutshell calls for a post-modern/post-industrial/post-consumer world by 2050 with a 90% population reduction! Jessica online & on you tube there are future maps of America showing how America will look like & 75% of the land will be turned back to nature & illegal for humans to go on this land & folk will be only living in the ten planned mega-cities of the future! All other towns & cities will be tore down! Agenda 21 plans to seize all private property/real estate in 8-10 years & calls private property ownership a social injustice !!!!! Alsonomore private cars or travel as well !!!!!

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  3. The point is that God designed us as women to want sex to become pregnant, so we are receptive when we can conceive . NFP goes directly against that and simply terns a wife into a receptacle for her husband’s sexual needs which are not regulated in the same way by a hormonal cycle. Although I think that many husbands are in whatever way aware of their wife’s cycle and are more sexually attracted during ovulation.

    The point is NFP is birth control and aside from abstinence birth control is inherently wrong.

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    • You’re right, Susanne. I am actually considering adding that information to my article so it would be clearer. A woman craves intimacy at that point in her cycle because her body is actually preparing for conception. This is God’s design.
      Jessica

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      • I don’t think it is an accident that for the Millenium before feminism and contraception a woman’s sex drive was alway liked to conception and women who were sexually driven outside that context were considered unnatural and sinful.

        Liked by 1 person

  4. Sadly feminists teach women to believe that their sexual desires are purely for purposes of physical gratification and not linked to procreation and in doing so encourage us to lloose all respect for modesty chastity and purity.

    Liked by 1 person

    • Dear Susanne,
      Thank you for all your insightful comments! I decided to add these segments on to my article, as a result of further thought, and also because of the points you made:

      “(And they wonder why she’s so cranky? It may be because she lives in a state of constant sexual frustration.)

      (NEW) This state of frustration was never God’s plan for a happy marriage. In fact, God designed the woman’s monthly cycle so that when she is the most fertile and just about ready to release an egg, she is the most desirous of intimacy; when she craves sex, it is because her body is preparing itself for conception. She has no control over this; it all has to do with her hormones. Why do you think God made it that way? Why did He make the woman not desire sex as strongly the rest of the time–why at the stage of greatest fertility? Because He wants the couple to conceive.

      It is so perfectly coordinated, and so extremely obvious, but let me say it again: God made the woman want to have sex with her husband at just that time of her cycle when conception would be most likely! And He did it on purpose! So, if the husband denies her sex because they are using NFP, he is doing more than denying her feelings; he is denying what those feelings were designed to naturally lead to: a baby. He denies God’s design for life. That’s quite a slap in the face. It is my belief that God’s cheek burns constantly these days, as millions of couples rebel against Him.

      The wife is to give her husband the affection due him; but interestingly, the wife is not the only one who has to submit, here: “the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.” With so much emphasis in the Scriptures about a wife needing to submit to her husband, this might seem a little out of place. . . until you consider the reason why God is telling the husband to HAVE SEX with his wife WHEN SHE WANTS IT: it is in order for her sexual needs to be met so she will not be tempted by Satan, and so that they will have children–God’s stated desire for married couples!”

      Jessica

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  5. In contrast feminists only ever discuss women’s sexual needs and desires in terms of the stimulation of the genitalia. Strangely ignoring the impact of ovulation, because to them the actual purpose of the act, the contraception of new life in her womb is an inconvenience and a weakness, something which distinguishes us from men and means we cannot naturally endulge in purely physical gratification without hugely deeper consequences.

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    • Yes, so true, Susanne. Sex has become about stimulating the genitalia, and only about having children when we want it to be about that; which is contrary, however, to the biological mechanisms that clearly point to the fact that our bodies were designed to conceive through the sex act, not just have pleasure. When we work against that, we work against nature. Even the Christian can be guilty of working against nature, and this should not be.
      Jessica

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  6. I agree with some of what you say here. I would like to present a new point, however, just something to consider – perhaps not for yourself, but for those around you who might have a different background.

    I don’t believe it’s “selfish” or “rebellious” for a couple to use any kind of birth control. For instance, like you said, if there are medical concerns, or even – shocker – financial instability. Or maybe even just simply not being ready.

    Birth control is not a sin. I think it would be a sin, however, for a married couple to abstain from sex completely to avoid having a child. The Bible warns against withholding intimacy from your partner for any reason other than for a time of agreed prayer.

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    • Thanks for commenting, Priscilla! Nice to hear from you again!

      Well, just about NOTHING shocks me, ha, ha! I think I’ve probably heard it all. Not only that, but I’ve LIVED through enough to be able to think realistically about life (not to say I’ve lived through everything, but that I’m at least not naïve about “the way things are.”)

      Now, here’s what I want to point out: We can use our experiences to understand the Bible, or we can use the Bible to understand our experiences. So, if we were to study everything–EVERYTHING–the Bible says about fertility, childbearing, children, and being a mother–basically read through the WHOLE Bible again and write down EVERY verse that has to do with those things–what would we find? Would we find that the Bible backs up our culture’s “birth control is fine” view, OR would we find that it doesn’t? Big question!

      I would suggest that we, as believers, base our beliefs on something firmer than “I think this” or “they think that.” We can think and think all day long about what SEEMS right to us. We can scrutinize the situation of every poor person, every sick and unhealthy person, every emotionally unstable person…but when it comes down to it, is that where we get our truth from? Because people can make a case to support just about anything they want, but the main issue is not whether the case sounds justifiable to our human reasoning, but whether it is justified by Scripture. So, my challenge to you is this: Write down every verse from the Bible that talks about children and childbearing. Then, tell me what you find. Smile 🙂
      Jessica

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    • It would definitely be a sin for a couple to marry and avoid sex on a permanent basis to prevent there being any children. The purpose of marriage is to welcome children (even if for some couples this never happens due to infertility, age etc).

      It would also be extremely sinful for one or other, husband or wife, to deny the other sex to avoid conception.

      But it is also very clear that birth control in the form of artificial means is a sin. If the couple have serious medical reasons why conception would be a threat to the mothers life. Or are in dire poverty / threatened by war etc they can choose NFP or better still agree between them to abstain on a semi permanent basis.

      An integral part of sex, its purpose and what makes it part of our relationship with God is that it may if God wishes it lead a wife to conceive. It is his choice not ours and although he can obviously lead contraception to “fail” by using it we are going against our obligation to submit to him and against his purpose for the act.

      As a woman part of marriage is the submission to your husband and to God including the submission of your body to his purpose for us motherhood. That has always carried risks (less so now than ever before) but in getting married you accept those risks and burdens as women always have. Marriage is the point of choice, the alternative is a celibate life devoted to God in other ways.

      Liked by 1 person

      • ‘It is his choice not ours and although he can obviously lead contraception to “fail” by using it we are going against our obligation to submit to him and against his purpose for the act.
        As a woman part of marriage is the submission to your husband and to God including the submission of your body to his purpose for us motherhood. That has always carried risks (less so now than ever before) but in getting married you accept those risks and burdens as women always have. Marriage is the point of choice, the alternative is a celibate life devoted to God in other ways.’

        Susanne, I just want to strongly second what you said here!

        And, after much thought, I now believe that NFP should not ever be used, even in “hard” circumstances, since this is not supported by Scripture, and since it would be like opening up Pandora’s box: one exception leads to another, and what constitutes an “extreme” situation would be subject to each individual’s interpretation, instead of relying on God’s Word for guidance, and trusting in Him for the outcome.

        We should not dichotomize the family planning issue from the rest of life. As Christians, we naturally accept that hardship is a part of life, a part of following Christ. Why should it be different in this area than any other?
        Jessica

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  7. *stands up continuously applauding!!!!!* Thank you thank you thank you! I myself have been thinking these exact same things!!!!! I must read this with my husband tonight. So many amazing points, honey! Thank you!

    Liked by 1 person

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