My Faith Journey

Another Nightmare Attacks

Last night, I had a nightmare similar to one that has replayed itself, in different versions, over and over again for many years. A vision from my past. A specter of “what could have been” come back to haunt me.

And yet, even in my dreams, I’m never allowed to experience the joy of what could have been, but am instead tormented by scenes of an alternate, twisted reality; one in which I’m close enough to what could have been to almost touch it, but just far enough away to see that it’s no longer a part of my life. This sense of loss is crushing. And maddening.

Then, I wake up.

I think I’ve grieved long enough over what could have been, and perhaps even what should have been. Yes, there is a loss involved. What my life might have been had I not made those disastrous choices (which didn’t seem so disastrous at the time) I will never know. Perhaps if I was able to know, I would be so devastated that I would live the rest of my life as a cripple, unable to cope. Right now, I’m living out the alternate reality of what IS. Could have and should have are long gone; I only have what is. I have mourned my loss awake, and asleep. Now, I must learn to embrace with joy the possibilities of life as it now is, and of how it can be.

I believe God has grace for our mistakes. He knew, long before we ever made a toddling step, the bad choices we would make in this life. And even then, He already had in place a plan for their remedy–that is, if we would be willing to go along with it. Only HE knows the truth of what could have been; but this is reserved a mystery we are blocked from discovering. Instead, He beckons us forward to walk through the rugged land of what now is, whispering encouragement of what lies ahead, of what can be. He guides us by His hand of LOVE, illuminating our path with His HOPE, and asking of us that we simply have FAITH.

Just as He placed a flaming sword at the entrance to the Garden of Eden, barring the way back should anyone ever think of returning, so am I barred from returning to the land of goodness before I made my own disobedient choices. I can never return. It is blocked from me forever. Adam and Eve had to accept their alternate reality, and so must I. And yet, just as God had a plan for the redemption of humanity, even before Adam and Eve ever thought of biting the forbidden fruit,  God also had a plan for the renewing of my life, even before I fell into sin. Perhaps if I could just come to the point of truly embracing what now is for all that it is, I could leave these nightmares behind me forever, never more to wake with heart pounding and tears welling. Never more to wake to the pain of regret as it rips, once more, through my insides.



6 thoughts on “Another Nightmare Attacks

  1. Dearest Jessica,
    I do appreciate your honest sharings. This particular post gave me such a deep comfort in my soul that I cannot find another words right now.

    Sometimes, Satan forces me to remember some of my past sins and torments me with a sense of guilty and regret. So I can relate to what you told us, Jessica. We just thank Him for His amazing forgiveness through His bodily sufferings and agonies on the Cross. Let us continue to sit at the feet of His Cross and adore Him forever.



    1. Thank you, Kinuko.
      It is comforting to know that you can relate to what I have experienced. Yes, it is tormenting to be reminded of past guilt and regrets. I’m finding that it isn’t at all easy to “get over it”; I have to remind my weak self, every time I catch myself falling into the regret-trap, that I have been forgiven, and gifted with the chance to continue my life’s journey under the guidance and help of the Holy Spirit, Whose grace is sufficient for me.
      Thank you for your encouraging words.


  2. When I have time, I often listen to many hymns all over world on youtube.Several days ago, I happened to find the song written by famous singer-songwriter of USA which I prefered to listen when I was a junior high school student. The song was sung about lonliness in the city by so poetic lylics.

    Without faith, at the age of 15, I was really moved by the lylics. I had sense of nostalgia to find its video,listened,and it caused me to feel so bad remembering suffering of old days.

    Our flesh sometimes let us remember old days in sins.Covered by Christ we usally do not remember, but rememberance still exists inside us. Without Him I was still there.

    We need Him every hour.Thank you for sharing your experience.


    Liked by 1 person

    1. Dear Sanae,
      Thank you for telling me about how you, too, go through some of the same things that I do. It really helped me to hear again that we are covered by Christ, even though the memory of past wrongs still exists inside us. And that without Him we would still be there (living in those past sins, or remembering them continually…) You are so right about Christ’s covering. Thank you for reminding me of that.


  3. I went though so many ‘what if’/’if only’ moments. Quite often I think that if I did something different my life would have been better. It might have, but the price–being a weaker Christian
    Jessica, I believe that when everything goes well, most of us become complacent. We all sin.
    Everything works out for good for those who love God. We also affect other people. If my life didn’t have detours, God might not worked in different people through me.


    1. Thank for sharing with me about your own personal life experiences, Irina.

      Sometimes I think that the lessons I have learned from my mistakes might have been learned a different way, without my falling into sin. God could have taught me the same lessons, but through a different route that didn’t involve my disobeying Him. I don’t think that it is necessary for us to sin in order for us to learn (and I know that you weren’t saying that, of course). However, when we DO sin, God has the power to use something that started out as bad for our good, if we love Him. And yes, though we can affect people in a negative way, God can also use those situations to help them learn things, too. I agree with you. But it always helps to be reminded of it!
      Thank you for sharing your observations!


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